Monday, November 29, 2010
problems somehow always happen. i dono how it actually happens. seems like we both never actually are truely happy. i keep giving u keep pampering u. can u pamper and give me too. isit that hard? im ur boyfriend. isnt a girlfriend to love her boyfriend with all her heart. not make him feel like shit . . . haish. i dont know . . . its really confusing sometimes.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
how long as it been since i actually blog. i totally forgotten i actually had a blog i could write what i think about on. it would be much better to write all my sadness here. atleast no one reads it. and i atleast say it out.
been a month coming 2 months with bao xian. my love. the one i said i love you daily. the one i shower my love with. the one that i actually am honest to. the one i never lied to. the one that knows me for who i am and not who i was.
i feel that we been seperating more and more. over a silly thing. its just a game. and yes its that game that is seperating us. looking from different points of views. y not i join u in the game. but wouldnt it be lifeless. we wont be a reality couple anymore. everything we do we say will be online. if i join u. thats it. it will officially end the relationship we have.
so i chose not to. i insist on my terms. yet u wont give in. no matter how much i tried. no matter how much i plead. no matter how much i begged. u would not accept me, anymore.
the first few days/weeks of our relationship u promised me. i am ur all. im ur number 1. im ur everything. till maple came back into ur life. slowly u pushed me away. slowly i became number 2. slowly i became number 3. slowly slowly i might become last. but to me ur still number 1. ur still the most important thing in my life. ur still my all, ur still my everything.
so please as i sit there typing this. u might be playing maple. u might be doing other stuffs. it no longer is u talking to me. or telling me what u are doing. i always have to ask u. i have to become a chore to u. something u feel lazy to even do anymore. yes eventually u will get sick and tired of me. but know this. i still love you. i still love you bao xian. i never did not love you.
you just push me to the edge of the cliff. bit by bit. unknowing of ur own actions. even if i tell u about ur actions. how u slowly push me to that edge, u would retaliate with accuses and excuses; reasons and denial.
how i wish all of this will end. so i continue to lie to myself. i continue to hurt myself. i continue to believe in all the words. all the words u tell me. may it be truth or lies. i would just believe them. as i cant believe u anymore. all i can believe in is ur words. cause for the past 2 weeks. all i got were words. not actions. not stuffs. not nothing. just words words and more words.
i too can say i hate you. i too can threathen u. its just parts and parcel of the deal. how u treat me im a mirror i will treat u back the same amount. u treat me good i treat u great. u treat me great i treat u fantastic. once u break the mirror. it ends there. everything will end. all the pain and all the happiness.
i am still looking foward in my life. how i am going to live with you. 3 weeks ago. i thought would i truely seek happiness with u by my side. i found many answers. many ways to be happy with you. till your 18. but each way i try. it seems futile. it seems bad. it seems just useless.
thats all i could say now. i remember the cake u got me. i remember the stars u folded. i remember the first kiss. i remembered every single happiness i had. i just wish it continued. all that happiness. i hope all my friends would forgive me if i did wrong to them cause of my gf bao xian. i sincerly apolodgise to each and every friend whom would feel like i am an arsehole. im sorry. i really am. but im useless. i cant even make my own gf happy. how can i make my friends happy. cause i myself lie to myself to be happy.
